In Appreciation of Step-Parents

James 1:17

It’s often said that parenthood is a thankless job, and it’s true. There are times when parents feel unappreciated for the sacrifices we make, to the point of crying in a private place where nobody can see. It’s mostly a release for our frustration, and we feel better after, but it’s also a repeated cycle that many parents don’t talk about.

As challenging as it is for biological parents, I believe that there is an aspect of parenting that might be even more challenging - being a step-parent. Biological parents never hear, “You’re not my real mom/dad”. The bond between biological parents and their children begins before birth, and is strengthened with every year that goes by. Step-parents are thrust into a family situation, and the adjustment period isn’t exactly smooth. There’s a clash of personalities between the step-parent and the children, no matter how old the children are, and it takes some time for the children to understand and appreciate what it means to be a step-parent. Initially, the children only see the inconvenience of another authority figure that wasn’t present for many years.

My husband is a step-father to my children, and for the last decade, I have watched him handle the challenges of being a step-father. Initially, my children were happy to welcome him into our family because they saw how well he treats me and because he’s a very lovable, jovial man who’s able to make them laugh. My son was in his early 20s, and my daughter, her late teens, when my husband and I reconnected after 35 years since dating in high school. My children were charmed by the story of our meeting at 16, and I believe it helped them feel more at ease with him than with a stranger I’d just met.

Because my son was already an adult, and my daughter was nearly of age, there wasn’t a real need for the sort of discipline that younger children require, but my husband assumed a more supportive role for me when I needed it. He understood, from the beginning, that it wasn’t his place to “take over”, and I’ve always appreciated that. Over the years, there have been clashes between him and my children, but I think their relationships with him are good, for the most part. I have made it clear to my husband and my children that their relationships are independent of me. Whatever they choose to tell him in confidence stays between them, and their time together belongs to them without my involvement or interference.

I think it’s important to remember the challenges that my husband and all step-parents go through, and these are based on my observations of the way my husband has handled his role:

• He loved my children before even meeting them {because they are part of me}, and loves them even more now because of his strengthened bond with each of them.

• He stepped up willingly to be a father figure to them without any intention to replace or compete with their biological dads, and he stepped up despite knowing that there were many issues to deal with, where most men would have walked away, he chose to stay.

• He didn’t have children of his own, so being a step-dad was a completely new, unknown experience for him.

• He has tremendous compassion for the previous traumas my children and I experienced, and has always been a soft place for us to heal from what we went through for years.

• He takes his role very seriously, doing what a dad would do in every aspect, always there for them when they need something.

• He models what a healthy marriage looks like by treating me with respect, and supporting me, showing my children that their mom is well taken care of.

• He is a godly person who understands the value in applying Scripture to daily life, and wants to ensure that my children know Jesus Christ.

If your spouse is a step-parent, please make sure that s/he feels appreciated and that you understand the challenges s/he may face. Encourage your children and spouse to cultivate independent relationships, but also make sure to not relinquish complete control of the discipline to your spouse as a step-parent. Establish their role as a supporting enforcer {to back you up as a unified front}, and nothing more. Do not argue in front of your children; always, always, always present a unified front

Regardless of your age, if you have a step-parent remember:

• S/he made a commitment to your biological parent, not only in marriage but also to give support in every aspect.

• Although you may not view your step-parent as a “real” parent, s/he is still your elder for whom you must show respect.

• Your step-parent stepped up to be a parental figure for you, in the absence of your biological parent {regardless of the circumstances}. It was not mandatory, but a choice that many don’t often take on.

• Your home is also your step-parent’s home, which s/he wants peace and harmony to prevail.

• God gave you a priceless gift in the form of a step-parent - another person to add to your support system. Even if your relationship has a rocky beginning, there is a reason why God brought you together, and it may take some time to understand why. Never disrespect any gift that God gives you. Trust in His purpose and timing.

To my children, I want to express my gratitude for your acceptance of your step-dad into our family with open arms. I know you’ve had your issues, but I pray that you see how much he cares about and loves you both. I also pray that your bond with him strengthens, and that you grow to appreciate him more and more with every passing year. ❤️

To my husband, I want to express my gratitude for your willingness to be there for my children. They couldn’t have asked for a better step-father, and I appreciate everything you have done for our family. I thank the Lord for blessing us so abundantly. It’s been heartwarming to watch you evolve as such a caring father figure. ❤️

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from
the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.
- James 1:17

God bless! ✝️❤️