The Truth About Grief
It can be healthy or unhealthy.
But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who
are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.
- 1 Thessalonians 4:13
I’ve written many posts about grief, since my mom passed away, because her death hit me the hardest of anyone I’ve ever lost. As mentioned before, I handled my mom’s death very badly, and I want to expand on that in this post, because I want to help others who may be going through the grieving process.
There were many factors in my grieving process:
the bond I shared with my mom was unique in the sense that no other bond {with anyone in my life} ever came close to it, until Chris and I reunited.
the life-long fear of losing my mom, starting at age 8 or 9.
the 16 year, 4,000+ mile distance that separated us, following my decision to move abroad {read: immense regret}.
we didn’t have more than 18 months together after I moved back home.
I was already in an emotionally chaotic state, dealing with the aftermath of my daughter’s father’s passing the year before.
I couldn’t fully focus on my grief, because of everything else I was going through, and wouldn’t be able to properly grieve for another 4 years after her passing.
the realization that my mom was the only glue who held the family together.
and most importantly, that I was a lukewarm Christian who had never read the Bible.
My grief consumed me. I just wanted my mom back. I felt lost without her in my daily life, and I felt alone, without the {adult} support I needed. I was barely functioning, due to the copious amounts of stress I experienced at that time. My therapist had me take an assessment which showed that I was borderline clinically depressed. It wasn’t solely due to grieving for my mom, but the grief didn’t help the situation.
Four years after my mom’s passing, I had the time and space to process a great deal of what happened during my childhood. My children were living independently, and I used my “empty nest” period to focus on healing from lifelong trauma…and my mom’s part in it. There were times during the whole process that I realized I felt quite angry at her for things she did and didn’t do. I think it’s a healthy part of grief, when one can objectively look at a loved one beyond the sadness of the loss, and experience a spectrum of emotions, based on that person’s flaws and failings. After the anger subsided, I then put myself in my mom’s shoes to understand her reasons for the way she handled things. And I did understand. And I forgave.
The real grief healing happened after my family and I read the Bible. It was one of the most important things I’ve ever done for my overall mental and spiritual health. In order to grasp the concept of death we MUST {and I cannot stress that enough} understand what death really means, what God’s ultimate purpose {for our lives} is, and that there’s nothing we can do to change when our time here is up. God holds our breath in His hands. He decided, before the creation of mankind, how long each of us has. Nothing we do can prolong or shorten our lives, because we’re not in control. This realization helped me immensely. When my mom passed, it was her time to go. Nobody departs from this earth “too soon”. The “too soon” is based on our expectations, when we should be mindful of God’s plan/purpose for us and everyone we know. Regardless of the manner of death {tragic or peaceful} or age {old or young}, our life span is unchangeable.
How we cope with loss is very important.
Read the whole Bible. It will help gain an understanding of life, purpose, and death.
We must NEVER blame God, but instead ask Him for comfort, and to show us how our loved one’s death fulfills His purpose.
Experiencing the stages of grief is important, and “keeping busy” to avoid grieving only prolongs the process. Avoiding the pain of loss doesn’t provide an escape from it {believe me, I know}.
We cannot allow grief to evolve into unhealthy/destructive behavior, affect our other relationships or our ability to function.
Understanding that devout, biblical faith in Jesus Christ is the only way in which all of us are assured eternity in God’s Kingdom.
Moving on takes time, but it must be done. We’re not meant to remain in our grief for the rest of our lives. God’s purpose for us must be fulfilled, above all else. Further, our loved ones would not want us to be consumed by sadness.
Closure is very important, but also unique to the individual. Find a way to let go, whether it’s holding a life ceremony, writing a letter, keeping a journal, getting grief counseling or finding a new purpose.
My grief for my mom has lessened considerably, which I didn’t think would happen after her passing. At the time, I decided to stop wearing makeup, because I figured I was just going to cry it off anyway. Of course, I miss her. Of course, I still wish I could pick up the phone and talk to her about things. Of course, I think of how much she would have loved to see Chris and me together again…and meet her great-granddaughter. But it wasn’t meant to be, and I’ve made my peace with God’s plan for her and me. My Lord has comforted me, as He always does.
He is all we need. ✝️❤️
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
- Psalm 34:18
Note: If interested, you can read two of my other posts on grief here and here.
Other Resources
So very sorry for the loss of your mother. I am glad you found peace and comfort in Christ.
Wow. I pray that God will bring peace for your pain. Stay strong.